Good-bye 2008

Its the last day of 2008. It seems the time for deep thoughts. This has been a year for deep thoughts. Illness, recovery. Cancer, death. Shocking news and a painful walk with a friend. But there has been joy and laughter too. Hilarious adventures with a pram, a baby and IV carts. Gentle memories at a funeral. The joy of seeing a grandchild who lives far away three times in one year. And talking to him. To borrow a phrase from Disney, "The circle of life." Its goes on and on and what we need to do is to live each moment safe and secure knowing that our Lord guards and guides through the journey. Laughter or tears, we live.

Update

The concert went well last night. The kindergartners got up on stage but I put them on the wrong row so there had to be a bit of rearranging. Oops! Fortunately, the congregation still had a verse of "Hark, the Herald" left to go so we were covered. There were wiggling kids, a few tears, two kids threw up but made it to a bathroom which is wonderful, the shepherds almost forgot to come off stage for their part - all normal happenings at a school concert. Mary and Joseph survived each other and the angel actually spoke with angelic confidence! And for the most important part, the kids all sang beautifully and I think Christ was praised.

That's one more thing of our list. Now the kids here can just have fun at school while they check off the days on the calendar until Christmas Break. The teachers are doing that too.

Christmas Concert

For more years than I can remember I have been involved with the Christmas concert. My official title is the Stage Manager but in reality I help the classes get on and get off the stage. That is a lot harder to do than most people think, especially if your are herding 40+ sensory overloaded kindergartners to the front for their first school concert. We give our concert in a large downtown church so these children have never seen the building or the stage and once they get up there parents and Grandparents are waving and aiming video and digital cameras at them. But they usually perform beautifully and in reality, for the Ks, who really cares. The cuteness factors carries them far.

The other primary grades usually go with out a hitch and the main event of the evening is the program of acting and song given by the Grade 5/6 choir. This year there are narrators, shepherds, magi, an innkeeper, Mary and Joseph of course and many soloists and a stage full of Orff instruments. (Xylophone type things for those who don't know.) With little time to put all the parts together, its always a big scary when the classes go to the church for the dress rehearsal the morning before the concert. But today's run through went well. The church had remodeled and put a tree that COULD NOT be moved in the middle of the choir area. So a well thought out plan had to be quickly reworked. Elementary children always speak too quickly and never use mikes properly but I think that is one of the reasons we go through this exercise year after year. They get better. But our Mary and Joseph this year have a problem. They don't like each other and are not willing to take on their characters and get passed it. I finally threatened to put a tape X where their bums should be and where their feet should be so that they would at least turn towards each other at the creche but trying to get Joseph to put his hand on Mary's elbow to guide her away from the inn to the stable is beyond their repertoire. The choir's singing is beautiful - even the guys who are getting "cool" in Grade 6 participate. There is a boy with a solo in Stille Nacht that makes everyone stop, listen and often wipe away a tear. It will be a good concert.

I love going to concerts at this time of year from Messiah to Steve Bell to the Winnipeg Singers (Kayla sings with them) to the efforts of these children. Listening to the songs of Christmas, the same songs, year after year with such a variety of voices never gets old. Some old grumpy voice in the back of my head occasionally hisses, is this really the TRUE meaning of Christ's birth, shouldn't we be more God focused? But sometimes we think too much and just experience too little. Christ's birth is about light and life and love and I am going to go with it and hopefully experience that at all the concerts I attend this year.

Better

I started this several times and was interrupted. Its my day off and I'm glad I'm home to conquer this bug. I would have made it at school but am better off at home. Kayla also dropped off Elliott who is now napping. She went for a haircut and its taking longer than she anticipated, I think. Anyway, its lightly snowing, I brought the Christmas stuff up from the basement and have Fred Penner and the Snoopy Gang's Christmas in the CD player. I'm better today than yesterday and hope I am even feeling better tomorrow.

Sick

I'm sick today. Not any kind of acute thing - no major sniffles, coughing, running to the bathroom sort of thing. More headachy, cold, stiff, not eating. General malaise. I heard that somewhere and like the sound. I guess I could have sucked it up and made myself go through the motions of the day at school but I'm too old to need to prove myself like that anymore. I also don't have to write up sub plans which may help a bit too. I did worry off and on about the EAs and their boys but I really shouldn't think so much of myself as to imagine that they can't survive without me. So I am home.

I slept all morning and watched a bit of the Canadian political crisis on CBC in the afternoon. Yes! Canada is having a political crisis and its mostly because all of the politicians aren't behaving like nice people. What a surprise. So the drama will now continue for the next month. Pundits are the only winners I think.

I also am going to miss a CD launch I really wanted to go to this evening. Rei Hotoda - asian avant-garde solo piano. It sounds interesting and there was sushi. She's the assistant conductor of the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra and a good friend someone we are close too. I was looking forward to the evening and to spending time with my friend. We don't see each other nearly enough and I miss her.

This is rambling. Time for more peppermint tea and to get to the end of the mystery I am reading. Pure fluff. A good thing to do when you are sick.

A two year olds' wisdom

I had a great visit to BC this weekend. Its hard to live so far away from your kids and especially hard to live far away from grandkids. Ryan and Steph have moved into their own home - a nice 3 bedroom town house in Aldergrove. It suits their family and is very comfortable. Ollie is just joy. He is a chatterbox and makes a running commentary on his two year old world. What a sweet way to rediscover the wonder around you. From him exclaiming "What happened fingers?" when he came out of the tub to shuddering, "Oo, poopy," while investigating a gross 6 inch slug. "Out of the mouths of babes..."

Vande Kraats B&B

Hank and I have been joking that we are running a B and B right now. We have hosted several of Gerald Folkerts' siblings the past two months. They come to Winnipeg to visit and just sleep at our place. Its a tough time for all of them and we are happy to help out this way. But we also had a house full on the Thanksgiving weekend when my mom and Hank's mom came for Elliott's baptism. We even had to ship Scott and Margaret to the Jory's because we had no vacancy. This weekend we had a very short visit from James Schaap. He was the featured speaker at the 100th anniversary of the CRC in Winnipeg. When some one sleeps in your home, you seem to develop a level of intimacy that is different than just stopping by for a visit. It may be the early morning vulnerability that we all have before the coffee is ready or it may be the late night talks in the living room with a bottle of wine. We have had the opportunity to do this with several of our guests and feel richer for it.

This has been a difficult year starting with the drama and worry of Elliott's birth, Kayla's difficulties and the many hospital visits until his surgery. At the same time, Dad was dying and we worried about Mom caring for him. We seemed to barely catch our breath once Dad was gone and Elliott was healed and we were faced with Gerald's illness. It seems trifling in some ways but there has been constant turnover in my staff and trying to keep 3 high needs boys with autism calm and learning with a revolving door of educational assistants has added to the stress. So it was good to be reminded again this weekend of God's faithfulness at the Anniversary celebrations. James had two insightful speeches. The image that remains for me is that on the prairies when the wind buffets you, the best thing to do is to go low. And the picture of "Now Thank We All Our God" being penned at the end of the bloody Thirty Year's War. Gary Bomhof, our dear friend and pastor for many years preached Sunday morning and he ended the sermon borrowing a line from Barak Obama - "Yes, we can." But Gary stressed that the "we" was not the strength of the American people but our strength when our faithful God becomes an integral part of our life. The road ahead may be rocky but we can travel it together. Yes we can.

One other thought, that sermon probably wouldn't have flown in NW Iowa at the moment.

One of those days....

I'm still at school at 3:00 and its supposed to be my afternoon off. It was just one of those days where I was needed. A loud reaction to missing something important by one of our boys with autism took most of the morning. Then there was a visit with a social worker about another. This was a God-thing I think. Last week the SW was talking to me about a course she had taken on an interesting problem and suddenly one child we are confused about came into focus. I asked about it and next thing I know we are meeting next week to set up a program! Things don't usually happen this fast. Then there were discussions on IEPs (Individual Education Plans) with several people and finally a little girl in kindergarten who was afraid to change her clothes after not making it in from recess on time. After a discussion sitting in the kindergarten bathroom stall she informed me that scared and embarrassed are the same thing. Not so much - but as long as the clean pants were NOT a 6 or an X and were black, she would wear them. I admit I lied to her about the size but she came out and the crisis was over.

Some days are like this - even in Winnipeg. But I like them. Even the hard parts.

Maybe I shouldn't blog tonight.....

More sad news came our way tonight. A friend we have lost touch with died of an aneurism last week. He graduated from
Dordt with Hank and they taught together in Lethbrdidge. It just seems as if there are too many sad things happening right now. I was going to try to muse on this but its too hard. Back to my two steady "mantas" it seems. Be still and know that I am God. My times are in your hands.

Fall

Yesterday was late summer, warm, sunny with a glow in the trees. Today is fall - the first day of it according to the sun too. Its damp, grey and now the leaves lay gummy in the gutters. Hmmmm. But I love fall. Soon the sun will come back and we can enjoy the colors, the crispness and the energy it brings.

I'm having my first day off of the school year. Its been super busy with new autistic kids, a schedule that was hard to manage and then to make it even crazier, one of the full time EAs hurt her knee and is off indefinitely. Gulp! But replacements were found for now and things are starting to run. I realize how much I like being with kids even though this job is more administrative in some ways. But like a grandparent, I sort of get the best of it. I visit, get to know the character of the kids, offer support where I can and then leave. There are responsibilities other teachers don't have like supervising the EAs, planning for the special needs kids, dealing with parents on almost a daily basis but I feel that I have been prepared for this job. And I have a heart for the parents with special needs kids. Its a tough road to travel sometimes and the joy I see at what seem like very small gains make all the work worth it. Some people have questioned why a private school should take on children with high needs - isn't the public school better equipped for them? At at some levels - especially in jr/sr high this may be true. But at the elementary level, where else should they be? They are a part of the body of Christ and they are our covenantal responsibility as much if not more than any other child.

Hank spent the weekend in BC with Ryan and Steph. Ollie was so grown up and cute. He recognized Hank when he came off the ferry from a conference in Victoria and they just had great time together. Its hard when your kids live far away but the times together are even sweeter then. I have tickets to go there for Ollie's second birthday so I'm counting the weeks now.

The birds are going crazy in the mountain ask - eating the berries before they migrate so I'm going to go check them out.

Our human frailty

I was very pensive about starting the new school year. I don't know if I believe in premonitions but after a difficult last half of the previous school year with Elliott being sick and my dad dying, I didn't feel ready for the new year. I kept feeling that we weren't finished with worry and unease. Sadly, I was right.

Our dear dear friend, Gerald Folkerts, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor on Wednesday - the first day of school. He is a larger than life person - first of all an artist but also an organizer, a dreamer, a doer, a singer, a writer - a wonderful friend and a committed follower of Jesus. He, his wife, Arlis, and their kids were some of the first people to welcome us here 20 years ago and over the course of these 20 years we have walked many miles together - good and bad but we have grown to truly love them. Brother and Sister in Christ who feel like real family. Hank and Gerald are accountability partners and Arlis is Iowa farm girl who grew up only about 10 miles from me but we never met until Winnipeg. It is a very difficult time and all of us who know Gerald and Arlis ( a huge circle of friends, family and colleagues) are fervently praying for healing. We feel so helpless and realize again our inability to fix our lives and our total dependence on our God.

Goodbye summer, hello school.

Its a cloudy and cool Labour Day. But Hank and I had beautiful weekend at a cabin on Jessica Lake in the Whiteshell. It was warm, sunny and very windy. We took a 6-7 km hike on Saturday and were able to paddle a canoe on Sunday when the wind died down for a few hours. Otherwise we read a lot, ate well and watched the waves on the shore. The Canadian Shield is an amazing geographic feature and the little bit we experienced on the weekend was wonderful. Coming from Iowa where a rock the size of a melon is a thing to note, these massive rocks that people build houses on!!!! boggle my mind. The trees clinging to crevasses and tottering over the blue lakes are almost a cliche of that area but still so beautiful. Check out the Group of Seven - they seem to have captured the aura.

The end of summer is always a bit of a melancholy time. The care free days go so quickly and though part of me really longs for the routines of fall, I also feel a bit anxious about what the school year will bring. This summer was difficult. We knew Dad was failing but death is always hard and his death has reopened some of the wounds of Kevin's. I don't know if that is why the trip to Edmonton was hard too. While visiting there, you always feel the empty spots that Dad, John Wilma and Loren would have filled. It is good to reflect on all of this but perhaps good to move on too.

Now school will start with all the busyness that brings. The excitement of seeing the whole gang again, the challenges of more students with autism, large classes (an item of praise after a fear of low enrollment in the spring) and Hank's role at the Collegiate
until January. But also, the beautiful days of autumn. My favourite season. So here we go. Goodbye summer..........

Grandsons and Libraries

Grandsons are a great thing. We took Elliott ( and Kayla) with us to the downtown library today. Hank sat and played with Elliott, shared a couple of board books and just had fun while Kayla looked for more information on feeding babies and some music scores. I just love being able to take home any book that looks interesting and keep it till I'm finished. I pay fines once in awhile but its so worth it. After that we went for lunch. Elliott is a little guy who LOVES to eat. If anyone is eating, he needs to eat - today it was Papa's garlic toast! The Jory's came for supper too and again we pulled out some books for Elliott.

When Ryan and Steph were here with Oliver in July, we went to the Munroe library on the first day they were here. Ollie and I had fun going through all their board books and he took home six or so to read at Grammas. I think its so great that one of his favourites is The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Good books just don't grow old.

I love my little guys. Wish I could see Ollie more often but they are a joy!

and a time to die.

My dad died a little over two weeks ago. Mom called me and my siblings to come home on Sunday, July 6. All of us were just ready to go to church. We all got to church, talked to a few people and then turned around and went to pack to Iowa. We spent Monday sitting with him and my mom, reading the Bible, talking and just waiting. At 5:10 he quit breathing. My mom and Emily were with him. Jay was calling Lydia and Hank and I had taken a walk to see how Sandy's house was coming. It just shows how helpless and ineffective we all are in the face of death. We watched Dad's health fail drastically since Christmas, Mom lovingly cared for him at home through some really hard times with the help of wonderful hospice nurses and we all sat with him off and on all day. But when it came time for God to actually call him home, we weren't ready for it. This year I have read "My times are in your Hands" over and over again. They truly are.

A Time to Live......

Its a beautiful warm summer night and we just had ice cream with the Jory's. All babies are wonderful and cute but Elliott just tugs at our hearts. After so many hospital stays and so much worry, its just so much fun to watch him grow and be so normal. While they were here, my mom called. Dad is "dying by inches" as she says every time I talk to her and I think she is getting weary. My brother-in-law was talking about how she is living out her wedding vows so beautifully and I think it is something we all should remember. In so many relationships we see or hear about, people give up so easily. Marriage is hard and watching my parents now is very poingnant.

In two weeks, Ryan and Steph and Ollie will be here. I can't wait to see Ollie walking and starting to talk. Elliott will be aware of him too so the cousins should have some fun times. I realize more and more how precious family time is. I am going to enjoy my kids and my grandboys a lot when we are together.

Happy Canada Day

Its Canada Day! I've lived in Canada almost 33 years now. I've been a Canadian for 5. I truly love this country and am glad I actually became a citizen. It took me a long time but it was mostly because I hate filling out forms. I didn't have a deep philosophical reason but in the end decided that this is my country. I am an American by birth and I appreciated my childhood there but I became the adult I am in Canada. So here's to CBC Radio (and TV), heath care, the parliamentary system and Tim Horton's!

Blogging again

Its been so long since I've posted anything, I don't know if anyone checks my page anymore. But I decided its time to start again. The time since my last post has been one of joy and worry. Gains and losses. Elliott and all his medical concerns and hospital stays. Kayla having such a hard time after the C-section as well as the stresses of a sick baby.(If you want the details, her blog is a beautiful testament to hard yet happy times.) My dad failing and now "dying by inches" as my mom says. Keeping up with the ups and downs of the BC Vande Kraats families. Along with the demands of school, sometimes it felt like almost too much.

But it never was. God was faithful. Elliott continued to smile through all his pokes and fasts. Kayla cried but stayed strong and we grew to love Harley even more for his steady and calm nature. Elliott's now a smiley little guy who poops on his own! Scott and Margaret struggled with some important decisions but are safely moved to Iowa and he will go back to Dordt in the fall. Hopefully she will find work soon. Ryan and Steph found a home of their own in Aldergrove. Wow! Good good stuff. And we will all be together for some time this summer. That really makes me smile.

Dad is dying. It seems so cold and harsh but it is the sad truth. Mom is faithful and is tending to him at home. Hopefully we can spend some more time there this summer. Quick trips in March and for Father's Day were good but I feel pulled there. So far Dad hasn't had a lot of pain but just the last few days, he's been more uncomfortable. A new concern for all of us.

I read this and realize now focused I am on the family around me. My kids are going to totally GROAN about this but what has helped me stay calm is the sun room and my garden. Its is such a haven. Hank and I gave in finally and bought an espresso machine so things are even better. We are putting new flooring in tonight and then I can sit with a book or my crossword book, drink lattes (iced or hot), look at which ever perennial is blooming, watch the birds and rabbit and relax. Everyone should have one!